June 25, 2006


I've been working really hard to try to establish myself as a web designer since my radiation treatments ended. I built myself a look for my own site and worked on some others as well in the first few weeks, but since then I have hit a wall of poor health, in this case more mentally than physically, but both are involved.

I've had to handle numerous updates for Nic's site, and yesterday I had to code the latest newsletter for my community's page. Whenever I have updates, that is all I can handle, and sometimes I have to wait a day or until 10pm to even attempt them despite the fact that they're just what you might call "grunt work", requiring no real creativity and little problem solving.

I decided to handle yesterday's newsletter update in the afternoon, because I felt like I needed to push a little bit in order to really hope to improve anything. The update ended up taking me an hour and a half, after which I felt like I had been run over by a bus. I felt slightly better after dinner and was able to make some minor modifications on one of my own projects, but not surprisingly, the bus caught up with me again today and decided to renew the tire marks. How am I supposed to create a web business of any kind when I can't even handle text updates to websites I've already built? I haven't even been able to think about writing the copy for my design website for over a month now, and my efforts to copyright my cards have stalled on account of the printshop I work with requiring micromanaging and constant reminders.

I'm not giving up by any means. I have decided that if I can try to accomplish something of any magnitude every day, maybe I can eventually carve out some form of living. It's a good thing I don't have to cook, clean, or balance finances. I had planned to head up a recreational roleplaying game that I've wanted to run for years now, but it's becoming clear that this is not going to be possible any time soon. I still want to try to take a class in the fall. We'll see. Unfortunately, no amount of resourcefulness seems to be enough to overcome my level of poor health. This latest situation has increased my confidence in my instincts regarding when I should push and when not, but has reduced it in terms of my general ability to handle life.

I have to be very careful not to think to the future too much at times like these. My rather extensive experience has shown me that I am entirely incapable of managing more than one thing at a time when I am able to manage even that one thing. When my parents are gone, well... that is why I have to be careful not to think to the future.

I'm staying mentally on top of everything by means of faith and religious study. I cannot know what my future holds whether experience makes it look bleak or not. I have food, shelter, family, friends, and most importantly, eternity on the horizon if I am able to live my life in a righteous way. Maybe God's plan for me does not include security. I have never entirely bought into the idea of believing that God necessarily provides for all of our dreams if we just pray hard enough. I believe that the proper course is to pray that God's will be realized, and to possess the necessary strength to carry it out as it pertains to each of us. Sure, I pray that I may achieve my personal dreams as well, but I only ask for those things conditionally. It is not for me to decide if the fulfillment of God's will includes my being healthy, married, or anything else.

I will always ask for the strength to endure what I must bear.

That is a prayer that will always be answered.

Posted by Andy at June 25, 2006 03:14 PM to the General category & Health category

Hang in there buddy.

Posted by: Mei at June 28, 2006 04:50 PM

Aye aye! Try to make some time for you to just relax, too, ok?

I swear, I feel like I'm trying to write in Chinese. Look at all those commas!

Posted by: Andy at June 28, 2006 10:49 PM
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