February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day, I guess

I think I have a little more flexibility and a little less pain at the start of today, but it still might be the hardest one so far due to it being a holiday and all. How do you stay positive when only one person in your entire life has ever agreed to go on a date with you, and then only for one day? How do you stay positive when your only selfish dream is to hold your wife and little girl in your arms regardless of how sick you are, but you haven't been on a date for ten years? How do you stay positive when you get turned down summarily and without the need for any consideration by anyone you ask, as if it was obvious to all that something was wrong with you?

How do I keep plugging along year after year after year without my dream contaminating my friendships or getting in the way of trying to recover? How do I ward against attaching feelings to the wrong things when they seem better than nothing at all? How do I stave off the fear that maybe today is one day too late, and that now I'll be lonely forever?

Something about this almost seems laughable. I got home from surgery and the first worries to penetrate my layer of resolve were not related to the potential severity of this cancer and what it could mean for the future. No, I was worried that I would not be able to keep searching for my love while I recovered, and more importantly that I would have to face this recovery without anyone, well, without her holding my hand. It seems to me that an unfulfilled dream can be an awful lot more like poison than panacea, but I don't think I can let go just the same.

You know, I never would have considered posting something like this a year ago. Maybe this recent health situation is partially responsible for my cavalier attitude about publishing my feelings for all to see. I mean, what's really the harm? I'm certainly not the only lonely person out there, even among those who read this, right? In all honesty, today will probably not be that bad all-told, but I'll have my moments to be sure. Who knows, maybe somebody who reads this will set me up with somebody (there's a first time for everything) and I'll look back on this post as a great decision years later.

Well, what are you waiting for? Get out there and start circulating photos and hyping my ruggedly handsome good looks and firefighter's physique!

Posted by Andy at February 14, 2006 12:14 PM to the General category & Health category

you're not the only lonely person out there. i am too. and i get a lot more exposure than you do (haha, sounds like media coverage)
but seriously, having cfs is very detrimental to your dating life. it limits the potential partners, which limits experience, which really limits good choices and possibilities.
i'm with you 100%. and i would recommend you to anybody i know, but most of the people i know you're too good for.
and that's my valentine's day tribute.

Posted by: heather at February 14, 2006 05:48 PM

Forget women. Get a puppy.
No, in all seriousness, there is someone out there for you. Perhaps they're going through some life altering changes right now too, preparing her for the moment the two of you meet.
For example, my boss, who's in her 40's, recently posted on an oline dating service. This weekend, she met with a guy whom she never would have met otherwise, and they hit it off from the start. You just never know what the future holds. (And if you do, can you lend me some lotto numbers?)
Never lose hope. Your day will come.

Posted by: Jon at February 14, 2006 08:19 PM

Andy, that's a clear and well written point of view ---- I guess I'm a fair judge as I have been lonely for years. But I guess this "her" is not a reference to a special one.

Now, if I may be so blunt, many years ago I took a fancy to a girl who saw me as trash and tossed my attentions into the dumpster of love (hehe). So did her family and friends. She married a Mr. Perfect and in a few years she was a terrible mess --- I spare the details. I realized I was better off without her. She thought she was so clever and funny but she was simply a destructive person and I saw her for her real self. All she cared about was herself. Love can be blind, eh?

Sometimes love can be unfulfilled and that can be best --- sure woke me up when I saw the truth.

Wish you good luck in the matter, good, kind, devotion seems rather rare these days???????

Posted by: oldfatbadger at February 14, 2006 09:50 PM

You are correct that this is not a specific reference, but rather a labeling of a concept that matters to me.

I don't so much have trouble finding devoted people. I hope I don't sound like jerk when I say that I believe my personality commands loyalty and respect, but unfortunately it never translates into romantic love at all. It's like I'm missing a gene.

Posted by: Andy at February 14, 2006 11:04 PM

You are not missing anything in your being. There are many lonely people. You are young, compared to me you are very young.

In the manner of Snoopy, I raise me glass mug of beer (root beer) to all the lonely people and quaff away, join me and the rest of the lonely, let's quaff away until love grabs us -- by surprise, no doubt.

As the song says -"shower the ones you love with love" ---- can't remember the singer. It's some guy and it's a good song. Anyway, loving others is a great joy, so, let me fill up your mug with ice cubes and foamy cold root beer while we and the rest of us sing that song. Then we'll sing "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" and that's a real moldy-oldy-but-goody.

Posted by: oldfatbadger at February 15, 2006 02:21 AM

To go along with what "Jon" above said, I have known people who've had good (and bad, but what can you do) luck with dating sites (myself included). Craigslist (http://baltimore.craigslist.org) has free personals... met my last girlfriend on there (it's also free)... I also have heard good things about match.com and eHarmony.com (though eHarmony is a little pricey).

Not saying this is necessarily the right way to go, but it's definitely an option that is completely unlike trying to date people through other venues.. there are women I've met on dating sites that are much more honest about what they're looking for, as you seem to be, than other people I've known. Just a thought.

Posted by: Keith W. at February 15, 2006 11:52 AM

I signed up for Match in November and did that for a couple months. I disliked that service because I had several technical issues and they were completely ill-equipped to fix any of them. Their system also doesn't give any indication of whether a member is a paying one or not. After that I signed up for some free Christian sites and have made a few friends that way. I need to try paying for one again clearly because you don't get many features unless you do, but all of this health stuff has put it on indefinite hold. I might go with E-Harmony because a lot of people recommend it ahead of others. I've liked the Christian sites in some ways because there is a level of respect that is automatic there, but there is also a weird sort of perkiness that comes through with a lot of people that's a little off by my calculations. :)

Posted by: Andy at February 15, 2006 01:50 PM

For me, it wasn't the features that were necessarily lacking from the free sites, but the level of seriousness. If people are required to pay in order to be on a site, then they are both serious about meeting someone. You are not going to get people who either don't want to meet someone in public, or something who just wants a casual fling. Those people are not going to pay for a service. So it weeds out some of the crap. eHarmony, according to my research, does this; a site like match.com, which allows people to post ads for free but just not answer them, does not.

Posted by: Keith W. at February 15, 2006 02:48 PM


There is a wonderful, loving, kind woman out there just dying to meet you. Poor thing; she doesn't realize yet that you are the greatest guy ever. (And you are.) What a great husband and daddy you will be.


Posted by: Mom at February 16, 2006 12:48 PM

Andy - You are a GREAT guy with a lot of talents... You will find your perfect match... I know it's hard sometimes to believe it will happen, and I have definitely been there, but it will... And it won't be at all what you expected, but it will be everything you've hoped for!

I highly recommend eHarmony... It worked for Paul and me... :)

Posted by: Kate at March 7, 2006 02:06 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?